Lucky 13

Things haven't been so bad! Well. Some things have. For instance, I lost my debit card and have yet to call the bank. But even if someone spends all my money, I don't know if I'll be all that pissed. Maybe blue for a moment. Yes, I certainly have been in a weird mood. Someone returned my (lost) phone to me today. Hurrah for that! These past few days have been super sunny and stuff. So Hurrah x2.
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I actually went to work today! I shelved the books I have been neglecting for a full two hours. Didn't run into my boss. I wonder if he's mad.
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So you know the boy with the pretty hair? Well my school has an ACB (Annonymmous Confession Board) and I posted an entry about him and I think he may have responded, encouraging me to talk to him some more. I don't think I can...no, I definitely can't. I don't even know why I'm wasting my time daydreaming over how shiny and silky his hair is. I don't even know why I like his hair so damn much! He has really nice eyes too. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I'm alive. Pretty sure. I saw him at a party and he said "excuse me" and walked past. Yeah, he DEFINITELY doesn't know I'm alive. Oh well. Time to move on. Orrrr....
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I mean I've just been thinking (I guess because of the whole thing with my grandma) about how people are always talking about how life is so precious. I can imagine myself as a bitter old lady harping over the past and how I wish I could be young again and do everything over. That's one of my biggest fears I think. To be some cranky old witch lady. If I live to be 80 and if I am bitter and junk, I shall become a heroin addict. Because, why not? But back to my point, if I had one...I really should try to start living each day to the fullest. I'm sorta sick of being so timid. I mean there are times when I'm utterly obnoxious and not in the least bit timid but I have yet to find a happy medium. I always have to do things to the extreme-I can't diet because I'll slip back into anorectic habits. I've tried before. Like, I'll start off fine and before I know it I haven't eaten in three days and I'm all cold and stuff. I haven't attempted dieting in like a year and I really should I've put on the freshmen fifteen for sure but I'm not so sure I can handle it. And for now, I'm totally okay with not being stick thin. How did I get on this topic? I go off on tangents WAY too often. Stream-of-consciousnessssssssss
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.....Sssssooo There's this spectacular song by Islands, Rough Gem. I made a mix tape for noone of just happy songs. Here's the tracklist (As if you care!):

1. Electric Light Orchestra-Mr. Blue Sky
2. The Flaming Lips-Spongebob and Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of Energy
3. Islands-Rough Gem
4. The Boy Least Likely to-I'm Glad I Hitched My Apple Wagon to Your Star
5. Apollo Sunshine-Today is the Day
6. Beach Boys-Don't Worry Baby
7. The Groovy Little Numbers-Happy Like Yesterday
8. Yum!Yum!ORANGE-Don't Worry Be Happy
9. Jackson 5-ABC
10. The Go! Team-Huddle Formation
11. Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players-Mountain Trip to Japan, 1959
12. Bearsuit-Hei Jaska Hei Jokunen
13. Bob Marley-Everything's Gonna Be All Right
14. Tullycraft-Rumble with the Gang Debs
15. Vit Pals-Loving You Was Crazy Shit
16. Party Monster OST-Get Happy
17. The Lovekevins-Happy Happy
18. All Girl Summer Fun Band-Later Operator
19. The Polyphonic Spree-Light and Day
20. Awesome Animal Ambulance-Operation Kitty
21. Michael Jackson-The Way You Make Me Feel
22. Architecture in Helsinki-Wishbone
23. Velvet Underground-I'm Sticking With You
24. Takeshi Terauchi & the Bunnies-Irrevocable Vow
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Actually I lied, I made that CD for my roommate because I was tipsy and thought she was in a bad mood but I was totally mistaken it turned out she had an awesome night. I suck at reading peoples moods.
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My room is absolutely disgusting. On my dresser there are two cans of half empty ravioli tins. I ate all the ravioli and left the sauce. Eating sauce grosses me out. Having such a gross room grosses me out! I will clean it soon.
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So I made that music blog. I had fun making the banner. Paint is awesome.
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I guess that's all I have to write for now. Maybe I'll do something tomorrow, something other than lazing about thinking about pretty boys with their pretty hair and pretty eyes and pretty everything. Is his soul pretty? Do I even care?

Just Because You're Paranoid Don't Mean They're Not After You

Today I woke up feeling kinda shitty. Yesterday I had smoked way too much. I had a panic attack and I don't think I'm ever going to smoke again. Or at least for awhile. I got really paranoid and thought I had done something wrong. Something bad. This is a pattern with me. I don't ever want to feel that way again. And I don't wanna be on Lexapro, so. I just need to stay away from drugs. Even really soft drugs like pot because apparently, I can't handle it. I get way. Too. Fucking. Paranoid.

And this morning my dad called. My mom had left a message on my machine last night saying she had something important to talk to me about and my first thought was that the police had called my parents after I did whatever horrible thing I had done. So now I'm getting paranoid when I'm sober. Next step schizophrenia. Har har.

Anyway my dad calls and tells me my grandmas dead. I never knew her well. This is my mom's mom, my Jamaican grandmother. She did live with us for a couple of months. My little sister and I always thought she was wayyy crazy. She would wake me up at three am and tell me to get the hell out of her room. She would be really belligerent, but I mean she had a stroke. That's why she was staying with us. I should have been more understanding. In the beginning, the first few weeks I tried to be really nice to her but eventually my patience wore thin. I was getting an hour or two of sleep a night and was feeling really angry selfish thoughts towards her. The next day she would have no recollection of what had happened the previous night. This frustrated me. She would tell me her conspiracy theories, about my mom trying to take away the money she had hidden in some overseas bank account. This frustrated me. My mom was doing a lot for her, taking her in and shit and she was having all these paranoid delusions about her.

But I know what it's like to be paranoid and to not be able to help feeling like that. Over the summer I had no idea. I had no clue but...yesterday I was really paranoid, the same way that she used to be. I get it now. And now she's dead.

Part of me really wants to feel sad. After my dad called I hung up the phone and cried a little. It didn't feel really good crying it felt fake and self-indulgent. Then I thought, how do I REALLY feel.

I don't feel as sad as I feel I should, that's how I feel. But forcing tears and trying to feel sad I think would make me feel even more disgusted with myself.

A lot of people at my school are tripping today. It's Zonker Harris Day. The sun is shining and bands are performing directly in front of my window (I have the blinds down). Part of me wants to stay inside and sleep all day. The other part of me wants everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP and stop being so godamn happy. No part of me cares to partake in the dancing and singing and whatevering theyre all doing now.

I

am

a

CHILD.

Lonely

Happy 420!
I was at Eclectic watching the Robot Ate Me and Japanther perform when the fire alarm was pulled. Fire trucks came and everyone migrated to Foss Hill, to smoke. At midnight exactly everyone smoked. There was a drum circle and people were spread about in pockets just blazing and it was very chill. A few of my friends were drunk and decided to climb a tree. Then I went with my friend J and her bf to the basement party where the show had relocated. Anyway, the guy from the Robot Ate Me was really grabby as he danced with me. He knew I liked his music and stuff I mean I had asked him to sign his LP. Anyway he had his hands on my hips and moved them...elsewhere...I got uncomfortable sorta because I have a tendency to fall for older guys and he's 27 and I didn't want to be all starstruck and hook up with him cos I'm a fan of his work or whatever. So I went out with my friend J and he came out. I find him attractive. He's all whats up. I BLURT OUT: "I'm not going to have sex with you". He looks pretty taken aback. I think this vignette is pretty representative of my awkwardness, and my life on a daily basis.
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I just got the impression he would've wanted to have sex though.
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I won't lose it to an indie rock star.
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The boy with the pretty hair was there. He doesn't know I'm alive.
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At 420 I'm going to go back on Foss Hill. I will probably smoke so much today. ALTHOUGH: Yesterday OH YEAH YESTERDAY!! I went with some people to see Ratatat perform in NYC...WHAT A SICK SHOW!!! Anyway after the show I was smoking with them and I think I had a panic attack. My heart began racing and I just got super paranoid and shit. Ever since I had that bad trip, every so often, this will happen. I've been smoking vaguely since my sophomore year in high school...I've never been a pothead and I usually only smoke 1-2 times a week but I mean my point is I've been smoking for awhile but ever since I had that bad shrooms trip after smoking sometimes I'll just get super paranoid and feel like I'm tripping again. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Maybe I am. (>_<).
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Crazy and alone. Why do only older guys hit on me? This guy, the cute guy with the Falafel cart, M. Oh falafels.

I will not visit the falafel cart this weekend. Unless utterly sober. Been flirting too much for my own good.
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Maybe I'm a tease.
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All I want is someone to cuddle with. No guys here like cuddling. All they want to do is fuck. My friends say I'm too picky. I just don't see the point in settling. Or dating jerks. Isn't it just a waste of time?

Twitterpated? Not quitttttttteeeeeeeee.

I'm thinking of starting a music blog hm. There are nice perks...free music, if you have a successful one. Though I'm not sure how'd successful mine would be. I just feel like sharing good music. Neat bands from Sweden not enough people know about and such.
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Today was rainy. Puddles everywhere. As was the day before and the day before...April is indeed the cruellest month. The Jesus and Mary Chain and I have very different views on this shitty weather. Although rain is wonderful when you're under a tent, or a Hello Kitty umbrella. Neither of which I currently possess...My roommate for next year, A, has a Hello Kitty umbrella. I am quite jealous.
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My thoughts have kinda been sprawled all over the place today. There's a zit on my face that's really bugging me. I used to have such nice skin. Cmon, I thought I wouldn't hafta deal with acne issues at my age.
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Tomorrow I'm going with some friends to see Ratatat play in NYC. Good times hopefully will ensue.
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Hm.
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Wow I have absolutely nothing interesting to write about!! I guess I'll end this entry now *_*

shadows and restroom graffiti

HANG








OVER.

drunk

im drunk. i ran into that guy who saw me when i had my bad trip. he was all hi and he gave me a hug but we usually ignore each other. anyway i told him how awkward i feel whenever i see him and he was like its cool. but i know better i know its really not cool and im just a freak and stuff. i hate being drunk. i hate it. i dont know why im drunk. i guess because i wanted to hook up with someone. i havent made out with a boy in like months. ever since m did what he did i hate him ill never be able to trust a boy again all boys care about is sex and their dicks. i feel so lonely and i wish i had someone to cuddle with someone who would u know tell me hey its all cool laura ur beautiful and shit even though u look like ur 13. like that shit doesnt matter to me laura i think ur a really cool girl anyway. i ran into a fellow drunk guy who informed me that he liked my poetry. i said hey thanks man. my poetry fucking sucks. i love poetry but im no fucking poet. my writing is absolute shit. i wish i had someone to hold hands with. someone who would run his fingers through my hair and tell me hey laura. hey you, youre so special and beautiful and shit i wish i had words to describe precisely what u mean to me. je t'adore. i love u. im so glad we found each other laura. im so glad i found you i dont know where i would be without u. ive never felt joy like this before. this is a new sensation, and if u ever leave me ill be utterly bereft, fucking broken glass in a gutter. im glass in a gutter without u my love. im sewage and shit. lets have a picnic. lets fucking sit in the bright green grass and not care that the ants are crawling all over our shit because we have each other and thats so important. its so important and junk. laura my love. darling...darling....darling.

i wish someone would FUCKING call me darling already. amd mean it. someone who loves me.

Race race race

I like being biracial. But sometimes I wonder if things would be a lot simpler for me if I was just white or just black. I guess mainly because of my interests. I've never had a black boyfriend before. And I dunno if there's a problem with that...I'm attracted to people of all races, black guys as well, but it's hard to find a black guy with similar interests. When I was really into the punk scene there would be hardly any other minority girls. Sometimes I would see black guys and they would usually send me a quick smile but it'd be weird like, what are we supposed to talk to each other just because we're minorities? That feels kinda problematic...but I've noticed people segregating themselves my whole entire life, I mean I've just grown up hypersensitive to that. When I was five years old I cried when I heard someone referred to as "black"...I didn't understand that that was an all right term. So I'm 1/4 Panamanian, 1/4 Jamaican and 1/2 Italian. What does that mean, does it mean anything? I'm so tired of people asking me "what are you". I get asked that question at least twice a week, sometimes not phrased so bluntly but usually. What does it matter what I am? People just feel comfortable knowing my background so they can lump me into a category and maybe feel like they understand me a bit better or something. I have no idea if thats true but thats how I feel about it anyway. I don't even know why I'm lamenting over my race so much I guess its just something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've always felt like such a weird person, like I don't really fit in anywhere. The majority of guys I've "been with" have been white and jewish. I'm not white and I'm not jewish. And most of their parents would have never allowed them to marry a girl "like me". I feel like the world is such a messy place and it's so beautiful and ugly. So grotesquely beautiful and junk. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and live in a tree or something. Stay celibate and become a hermit. But then I wouldn't have my music. Maybe I could get a cottage somewhere. But I have no money. Maybe I should work towards that, a life of hermitage. But I hate being lonely. I hate being lonely. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
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The photo above is of my little sister, my nonna, and me. Taken like a year ago. The rest are pics I've taken around campus. I really need to get a camera already. Originally I had intended to get a digital SLR but they're so expensive and as it is I can't even afford a polaroid. Bleh.










It had rained and I was slightly blue until I saw that cheerful red bike.

PS: By "been with" I don't mean have had sex with. I've never had sex. I'm waiting for true love...which, with each passing day, I doubt I'll ever find. Sometimes I feel like just randomly losing it to anyone but hey, after nineteen years it doesn't hurt to wait awhile more I suppose.

Boys and Chicks

I saw the boy with the nice hair in class today. I stared hard at him from the corner of my eye. I wonder how subtle I am in my staring. I wonder if he notices, or even cares.

The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players are such a whimsical band!

Once again, it was beautiful outside. People were milling about the stairs of the library, soaking in the sun and socializing. I've been thinking alot about ladybugs lately. Probably because I bought a ladybug magnet and its really cheerful and one of the first things I see when I wake up in the morning (I stuck it on my radiator and its holding a photo of my mom and I when I was snoopy for halloween...I've been a lot of characters for halloween over the years!)

There's this boy I've been thinking about lately. I dunno...I haven't seen him in a really long time but the more I think about him the more I like the idea of him. Maybe if I actually saw him in real life it would be different, I mean I've just been replaying memories of him in my mind and stuff but...somehow I think I'm letting myself be attracted to him even though I haven't seen him in the longest time. And I was never sexually attracted to him before. Is this what they mean when they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Oh, They.

Air guitar bands are silly. I wanna join one.

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I woke up mumbling this morning. It's weird. I used to wake up and think people were in the room and start talking and stuff. When I was younger I used to have night terrors and I actually have had a few here which is so bizarre because I'm almost nineteen. In so many ways I'm still a child though. But yeah, anyway, I woke up mumbling this morning. I think i dreamt about becoming a teacher. But I don't think I would be a good teacher. There have been some teachers who have had a profound impact on my life. Like my eleventh grade English teacher, Mr Z. I believe he was the best teacher I have ever had. Or my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. H! We had a bunny named Domino in that class. And we hatched baby chicks! I got to bring two of them home. My little sister and I played hide and go seek with the chicks (one of us would hide a chick and the other would have to find the chick by following the peeping). That almost ended disasterously when Frisky, the Cairn Terrier we had at the time, found the chick before I did. But the chick was in a drawer and ended up slipping through this crevice and hiding so yay for fluffy feathered flexibility. Oh youth.

I'm in the mood to watch A Wizard of Oz. But it's 134...time to try n sleep.

Meat of Lamb 2: The Lambchop Sessions

I have far too much time on my hands. Which is strange, considering I haven't slept in 48 hours. I spent all last night studying for my bio/chem test. It went okay though. I think I overstudied. Better over than under I s'pose. Life has been strange, as usual. I saw a tree that reminded me of two people embracing today. There are so many great trees on this campus. I bought a child accordian. See photos! It came in this super nifty box which I took a picture of as well, in negative form. Today I have been listening to a ton of Heavenly and Language of Flowers. Oh twee pop...twee is the best music to listen to when the sun is shining brightly and the world looks super beautiful and glowing with promise and such. As I walked about today, listening to Language of Flowers on my mp3 player I thought to myself, "Well things aren't so bad, self! You might find love yet"...Which put a bounce in my step and smile on my face despite looking like crap due to lack of sleep and lack of proper hair combing. I was going to try to make these photos into a story of how Lambchop was cursed by a rubber chicken and thus shrunken to teensy weensy proportions but...alas, I am too lazy. The photo in the frame is me at like age 4...one of my best friends, J made the frame for me (I LOVE X-ray Spex)...I was Belle for Halloween. As I recall that was a pretty spiffy dress.
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I wish someone would sweep me off my feet already. You know. Mumble me poetry. Lay with me in the grass. Let me tousle his hair...there was a boy in one of my classes and all I wanted to do was run my fingers through his hair. He had the most gorgeous, beautiful hair. If only that were socially acceptable.
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Emotion Ocean

My favorite animal is the jellyfish. Sometimes I fantasize about being an underwater photographer. But I don't know how to swim. I've tried for years, I've taken lessons. I just can't swim.

pics and dicks without the pricks

It's Sunday, 1:47 am. And I'm not out partying.
I intended to. I haven't been drunk in...a good month and a half or so at least. I didn't even get tipsy on St. Patrick's Day. I intended to then, too. My plans were thwarted when my friends for some reason wanted to stay sober. Anyway, tonight I hung out with my friend M and went to a concert. The lead singer of this one band had a voice that reminded me of Television. Which I told him and he said Thank you. Anyway just watching everyone bumbling about and socializing and such...watching from a distance (I had climbed up on this ledge windowseat thing) made me feel melancholic and kinda like I'll never really get the hang of that whole small talk thing. And here I am. Now its 223 because I took some pictures with my camera phone and fattened myself up with french fries because food mades me feel less dramatic and more human.





here are the pictures. i took a whole lot of myself for no good reason at all. maybe im vain. but in terms of attractiveness i only find myself mildly pretty. on a good day.

hello kitty!~ new phonograph!






















ultra bright




my unicorn shirt! unicorns=awesome
(and my boobs are small).























tmnt on my fan....

my mother painted this ^^

me trying super hard to look cute:

Meat of Lamb

As I was walking past the steps of my university's library I heard some guy say, "Wow for a second I thought that girl walking past just now was a little kid". I went to the campus center, checked my mail. Nothing. I went upstairs and bought a turkey and cheese sandwich. Grabbed some mayonnaise. Opened packet of mayo and put it on the cheese, then decided I didn't want it on the cheese so I took the cheese and smeared the mayo on the turkey instead. I took out the lettuce as well. I don't care for lettuce. With my new sandwich spiffy and reformed and ready and waiting to be eaten, I put it down, lay my head on the table, and cried silently.

My life feels like an awful mess.

What I Should Be Doing

What I should be doing right now...or rather, what I shouldn't be doing.

I shouldn't be making a blog that noone will ever read for the sake of making one considering I have a journal I write in sporadically. If I have something to say I should probably write it down in there, instead of posting it on the internet in the hopes that someone might find this page by chance and venture to pay me some sympathy or interest.

I shouldn't be distracting myself with anything aside from writing my paper. I'm actually pretty psyched to write this paper. It's for this class, Gendering of Music from a Cross-Cultural Perspective. Interesting, right? Anyway I truly like the class and I think my professor is pretty great and stuff. I chose the title of the paper before I started writing it, which I now think may have been a mistake. Becauseeeeeeeeeeeeee....well. I'd like to think its a clever title. I'm calling it "From Flappers to Rappers: Women Rebels in Music". Or something along those lines. I wanted to incorporate "flappers" into the title for some reason. I don't know much about women rappers, though. Anyway I get to write about Helen Kane and Sophie Tucker and the like which I find pretty swell...yeah, I found this site that has a bunch of 20's vocabulary which I'm going to try and assimilate into my everyday vocabulary. If I can. I'll probably just come off like a Dumb Dora but whatever. I'm Laura, by the way.

I shouldn't be thinking morbid self-loathsome thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking loathsome thoughts in general. I think I'm turning bitter. My therapist, who I saw for a whopping 3 sessions (he's a school therapist) before I decided I wouldn't like to see this man again told me that I should take anti-depressants. Lexapro. I tried that for a month or so and stopped. I feel the same as I did when I was on them, only a pinch less numb which is important to me. I don't care to feel numb. I'm way too sensitive for my own good and when I feel something I feel it fully, I fuckin soak up whatever emotion that flickers across my troubled mind and wring it out for all its worth. Where was I going with this...ah yes:

My point is I have no point. Essentially in making this entry I'm just masturbating, by griping over how sad I get about being awkward and weird and how it hurts that I can hear people laughing in my roommates room even though I'm wearing headphones with the volume turned ALL the way up and how I recognize my jealousy and the adolescent pettiness in that but I'm not so sure I'm able to change I mean I've tried to change so hard by thinking positive and chastising myself when I get the way I get but nothing really seems to work.

Today was not a waste, though. Today and yesterday I received things in the mail that I ordered off of ebay. I got my bullet belt, my toy phonograph, and a Raggedy Ann & Andy (REAL) vintage phonograph which is SO ducky. er...swell.

And I walked myself down to the thrift store, located a mere 20 minutes away, and bought this neat Native American record. It's reallllllllllllll mellow. So good. I've listened to it like 3 times. It skips a bit but its pretty old so I don't mind so much. Though it usually takes me three or four minutes before I can convince myself to get out of bed to move the record needle. Mmmm slothiness.

OH love. oh love, will I ever fall in love.
^That thought is always in the back of my mind. Somewhere crowded in between a bunch of other thoughts and insecurities that are clumped there in the back of my mind too. It's gotten prety bad, yeah, "despair" best describes my deal with love (or lack thereof)

I have a tendency to rhyme unintentionally. I used to write a lot of poetry. I still write, but I got into this funk where all I was writing was trite and emo. I'm willing to write when the stars look dazzling and when everything is jake but. I'm too much of a Dumb Dora to see the beauty in the world sometimes.

WHICH AT THE SAME TIME IS SO UNTRUE.

every time i pass a tree i cringe at how gorgeous it is. gimme any tree. any. i swear its beautiful. i dunno. im pretty weird with trees, and have been since i first dropped acid a couple of months ago. which i'm not planning on doing again, because i keep on having bad trips. (i've only dropped it twice but i also had a disasterous shroom trip) and i think i'm better off staying away from psychedelics for the rest of my life. i dunno why i do drugs anyway. i used to be a pretty habitual pot smoker but ive cut down to smoking maybe once a week if at all. i dont like what its done to me. but its a distraction. a distraction from these thoughts i keep thinking when im sober. i think im driving myself crazy.