Lonely

Happy 420!
I was at Eclectic watching the Robot Ate Me and Japanther perform when the fire alarm was pulled. Fire trucks came and everyone migrated to Foss Hill, to smoke. At midnight exactly everyone smoked. There was a drum circle and people were spread about in pockets just blazing and it was very chill. A few of my friends were drunk and decided to climb a tree. Then I went with my friend J and her bf to the basement party where the show had relocated. Anyway, the guy from the Robot Ate Me was really grabby as he danced with me. He knew I liked his music and stuff I mean I had asked him to sign his LP. Anyway he had his hands on my hips and moved them...elsewhere...I got uncomfortable sorta because I have a tendency to fall for older guys and he's 27 and I didn't want to be all starstruck and hook up with him cos I'm a fan of his work or whatever. So I went out with my friend J and he came out. I find him attractive. He's all whats up. I BLURT OUT: "I'm not going to have sex with you". He looks pretty taken aback. I think this vignette is pretty representative of my awkwardness, and my life on a daily basis.
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I just got the impression he would've wanted to have sex though.
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I won't lose it to an indie rock star.
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The boy with the pretty hair was there. He doesn't know I'm alive.
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At 420 I'm going to go back on Foss Hill. I will probably smoke so much today. ALTHOUGH: Yesterday OH YEAH YESTERDAY!! I went with some people to see Ratatat perform in NYC...WHAT A SICK SHOW!!! Anyway after the show I was smoking with them and I think I had a panic attack. My heart began racing and I just got super paranoid and shit. Ever since I had that bad trip, every so often, this will happen. I've been smoking vaguely since my sophomore year in high school...I've never been a pothead and I usually only smoke 1-2 times a week but I mean my point is I've been smoking for awhile but ever since I had that bad shrooms trip after smoking sometimes I'll just get super paranoid and feel like I'm tripping again. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Maybe I am. (>_<).
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Crazy and alone. Why do only older guys hit on me? This guy, the cute guy with the Falafel cart, M. Oh falafels.

I will not visit the falafel cart this weekend. Unless utterly sober. Been flirting too much for my own good.
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Maybe I'm a tease.
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All I want is someone to cuddle with. No guys here like cuddling. All they want to do is fuck. My friends say I'm too picky. I just don't see the point in settling. Or dating jerks. Isn't it just a waste of time?