What I Should Be Doing

What I should be doing right now...or rather, what I shouldn't be doing.

I shouldn't be making a blog that noone will ever read for the sake of making one considering I have a journal I write in sporadically. If I have something to say I should probably write it down in there, instead of posting it on the internet in the hopes that someone might find this page by chance and venture to pay me some sympathy or interest.

I shouldn't be distracting myself with anything aside from writing my paper. I'm actually pretty psyched to write this paper. It's for this class, Gendering of Music from a Cross-Cultural Perspective. Interesting, right? Anyway I truly like the class and I think my professor is pretty great and stuff. I chose the title of the paper before I started writing it, which I now think may have been a mistake. Becauseeeeeeeeeeeeee....well. I'd like to think its a clever title. I'm calling it "From Flappers to Rappers: Women Rebels in Music". Or something along those lines. I wanted to incorporate "flappers" into the title for some reason. I don't know much about women rappers, though. Anyway I get to write about Helen Kane and Sophie Tucker and the like which I find pretty swell...yeah, I found this site that has a bunch of 20's vocabulary which I'm going to try and assimilate into my everyday vocabulary. If I can. I'll probably just come off like a Dumb Dora but whatever. I'm Laura, by the way.

I shouldn't be thinking morbid self-loathsome thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking loathsome thoughts in general. I think I'm turning bitter. My therapist, who I saw for a whopping 3 sessions (he's a school therapist) before I decided I wouldn't like to see this man again told me that I should take anti-depressants. Lexapro. I tried that for a month or so and stopped. I feel the same as I did when I was on them, only a pinch less numb which is important to me. I don't care to feel numb. I'm way too sensitive for my own good and when I feel something I feel it fully, I fuckin soak up whatever emotion that flickers across my troubled mind and wring it out for all its worth. Where was I going with this...ah yes:

My point is I have no point. Essentially in making this entry I'm just masturbating, by griping over how sad I get about being awkward and weird and how it hurts that I can hear people laughing in my roommates room even though I'm wearing headphones with the volume turned ALL the way up and how I recognize my jealousy and the adolescent pettiness in that but I'm not so sure I'm able to change I mean I've tried to change so hard by thinking positive and chastising myself when I get the way I get but nothing really seems to work.

Today was not a waste, though. Today and yesterday I received things in the mail that I ordered off of ebay. I got my bullet belt, my toy phonograph, and a Raggedy Ann & Andy (REAL) vintage phonograph which is SO ducky. er...swell.

And I walked myself down to the thrift store, located a mere 20 minutes away, and bought this neat Native American record. It's reallllllllllllll mellow. So good. I've listened to it like 3 times. It skips a bit but its pretty old so I don't mind so much. Though it usually takes me three or four minutes before I can convince myself to get out of bed to move the record needle. Mmmm slothiness.

OH love. oh love, will I ever fall in love.
^That thought is always in the back of my mind. Somewhere crowded in between a bunch of other thoughts and insecurities that are clumped there in the back of my mind too. It's gotten prety bad, yeah, "despair" best describes my deal with love (or lack thereof)

I have a tendency to rhyme unintentionally. I used to write a lot of poetry. I still write, but I got into this funk where all I was writing was trite and emo. I'm willing to write when the stars look dazzling and when everything is jake but. I'm too much of a Dumb Dora to see the beauty in the world sometimes.

WHICH AT THE SAME TIME IS SO UNTRUE.

every time i pass a tree i cringe at how gorgeous it is. gimme any tree. any. i swear its beautiful. i dunno. im pretty weird with trees, and have been since i first dropped acid a couple of months ago. which i'm not planning on doing again, because i keep on having bad trips. (i've only dropped it twice but i also had a disasterous shroom trip) and i think i'm better off staying away from psychedelics for the rest of my life. i dunno why i do drugs anyway. i used to be a pretty habitual pot smoker but ive cut down to smoking maybe once a week if at all. i dont like what its done to me. but its a distraction. a distraction from these thoughts i keep thinking when im sober. i think im driving myself crazy.