Race race race

I like being biracial. But sometimes I wonder if things would be a lot simpler for me if I was just white or just black. I guess mainly because of my interests. I've never had a black boyfriend before. And I dunno if there's a problem with that...I'm attracted to people of all races, black guys as well, but it's hard to find a black guy with similar interests. When I was really into the punk scene there would be hardly any other minority girls. Sometimes I would see black guys and they would usually send me a quick smile but it'd be weird like, what are we supposed to talk to each other just because we're minorities? That feels kinda problematic...but I've noticed people segregating themselves my whole entire life, I mean I've just grown up hypersensitive to that. When I was five years old I cried when I heard someone referred to as "black"...I didn't understand that that was an all right term. So I'm 1/4 Panamanian, 1/4 Jamaican and 1/2 Italian. What does that mean, does it mean anything? I'm so tired of people asking me "what are you". I get asked that question at least twice a week, sometimes not phrased so bluntly but usually. What does it matter what I am? People just feel comfortable knowing my background so they can lump me into a category and maybe feel like they understand me a bit better or something. I have no idea if thats true but thats how I feel about it anyway. I don't even know why I'm lamenting over my race so much I guess its just something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I've always felt like such a weird person, like I don't really fit in anywhere. The majority of guys I've "been with" have been white and jewish. I'm not white and I'm not jewish. And most of their parents would have never allowed them to marry a girl "like me". I feel like the world is such a messy place and it's so beautiful and ugly. So grotesquely beautiful and junk. Sometimes I wish I could just run away and live in a tree or something. Stay celibate and become a hermit. But then I wouldn't have my music. Maybe I could get a cottage somewhere. But I have no money. Maybe I should work towards that, a life of hermitage. But I hate being lonely. I hate being lonely. I hate it I hate it I hate it.
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The photo above is of my little sister, my nonna, and me. Taken like a year ago. The rest are pics I've taken around campus. I really need to get a camera already. Originally I had intended to get a digital SLR but they're so expensive and as it is I can't even afford a polaroid. Bleh.










It had rained and I was slightly blue until I saw that cheerful red bike.

PS: By "been with" I don't mean have had sex with. I've never had sex. I'm waiting for true love...which, with each passing day, I doubt I'll ever find. Sometimes I feel like just randomly losing it to anyone but hey, after nineteen years it doesn't hurt to wait awhile more I suppose.